Relationship Goals: Is it Really Romance?
We’ve all been through it Choma. You’re watching a romantic movie and the couple has a passionate love affair and you’re sitting there thinking: “Why can’t my relationship be like this?” or “Why can’t I find someone who treats me this way?” Have you ever stopped to question some of the things that happen in movies though? Yes, the couple does seem to end up happily ever after but remember that real life is very different to the movies. In real life things may not happen as smoothly. So here is something that we need to question in movies - are they actually romantic?
Jealousy or Possessiveness is sweet
In the movies, jealousy or possessiveness is sometimes shown as a positive thing. Often the one person wants the other person all to themselves so they demand their time, take them away from their friends and encourage them to sneak out of the house and lie to their family. This may seem sweet Choma, but it is actually a form of control. Someone wanting you to be with them and not others is actually a sign of abuse.
Bad boys all have good hearts
So many movies show instances where the “good girl” falls in love with the “bad boy”. In the beginning he will be this reckless guy who doesn’t follow the rules and encourages the girl to be a bit more daring (and by that he usually means engage in dangerous behaviour or submit to him in some way). In the movies, the bad boy always shows his soft side eventually. It may not be as romantic in real life though Choma. It can be really unhealthy to get into a relationship with someone who puts themselves, and you, at risk. There is no guarantee that the person you’re with will change their ways. If you often find yourself in dangerous and unhealthy situations with your partner, it might be time to reconsider the relationship.
The more you disagree, the deeper in love you’ll fall
Have you ever seen this Choma? Two people meet and seem to absolutely hate each other. They have nothing in common and constantly argue. Then by some coincidence they are put in the same room together, put on the same project or sit in the same class - where they are forced to spend more time with each other. Eventually they fall for each other. This can come across as very romantic. However, this isn’t exactly how it goes down in real life. Although it’s been said that opposites attract, dating someone who is completely mismatched with you can be unhealthy and a lot more effort than it’s worth. It’s good to find someone who you can share things with, who encourages and inspires you rather than someone who frustrates you and constantly makes you unhappy.
Aggression means passion
You might see a lot of pulling and pushing in movies where there is no consent or sense of boundaries. For example, there will be instances where someone pulls the other person in for a kiss (or forces a kiss on them), holds their partner back when their partner wants to leave or aggressively initiates sex. In a lot of these examples the one partner initially resists then eventually gives in. Consent is extremely important and it’s important that your partner understands that they have your permission before doing anything. In healthy relationships, boundaries are also respected. Your no means no. Your silence means no. Your discomfort means no.
Giving up your dreams for your partner
In movies, when people drop everything to be with their partners - like their careers or their family - things miraculously work out. But you have to remember that this is just a movie script. In real life, everything is a lot more complicated. Before you decide to leave your job or studies for your partner, think about yourself. Will you be truly happy, one, two, or five years from now? Will you really feel fulfilled giving up your dreams? Will you feel resentful towards your partner for forcing you to leave your passion behind? A healthy relationship allows both people to grow. If your partner only cares about their growth and expects you to neglect yours, then it is not a healthy sign Choma.
The person you love will eventually love you back
In real life, everyone faces rejection at one point or another. There is nothing wrong with this Choma. Not everyone who we like will like us back and not everyone who likes us will get our affection in return. Movies often romanticise persistence. In your own life you may have experienced a situation where someone asks you out constantly, even though you say no every time. Eventually you might have given in but realised that the relationship was not at all what you expected. That’s because someone constantly asking you out doesn't necessarily mean that they really like or love you. Someone not respecting that you are not interested might be someone who is possessive, obsessive or extremely insecure.
Even if you are the person who wants to be with someone, who doesn't want to be with you, constantly chasing after them doesn't mean that they will, or should, eventually give in to you. They don't owe you their feelings just because you worked so hard to show them you care. Everyone has a choice and you should respect that too Choma. It’s also healthier for you to move on and rather focus on building relationships with people you can share a mutual and healthy romance with.
Have you ever questioned romance in movies? Share with Choma.
Remember that if you need advice on relationships, you can contact me here on Ask Choma, send me a Facebook Message, a Twitter DM, or a WhatsApp Message (071 172 3657)
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