Speaking to your partner about their sexual past

Some may argue that you shouldn’t ask your partner about their sexual past because what they did before you doesn’t matter. While it is important to go into a relationship without judgement of your partner’s past, it is still important to know whether anything in their sexual past might affect you. So before you and your partner get intimate, it’s a good idea to talk about parts of their sexual past without having to know every single detail.

Disclosing your sexual past is another conversation that is not easy to start, but it’s important. Here’s my advice on how you can speak to your partner about their sexual past.  

First, what should you know?

How many people your partner has slept with, when and where are not necessarily something that you need to know. Your partner might not feel comfortable telling you about it. However, exactly how much you and your partner are willing to reveal to each other is up to you. The more important things to talk about is whether your partner has a sexually transmitted infection (STI) or is on treatment for one. You should also talk about HIV; what your status is and when the last time was that you both tested. You could also discuss with your partner whether they have a history of cheating or how their last relationship ended. Regardless of what you talk about, here are tips on how to approach it:

Timing

You may be comfortable with sharing your whole life with your partner but it doesn’t mean that they share the same sentiments. So, always consider the timing to have this conversation because your partner might not be ready yet.

Be honest

I always encourage honest and healthy communication in relationships. What this means is that you should be honest with your partner about the reason you’d like to know about their sexual past. Although this might give them the impression that you think that they’ve been around a lot, just assure them that it has nothing to do with that.  

Listen

As much as you’d like your partner to open up with you and share certain things with you, you should be able to listen attentively and create a judgment-free zone. That way, your partner will be able to express their feelings freely and still feel loved and appreciated.

Don’t hold it against them

When your partner is comfortable enough to open up and share this information with you, know that it took a lot for them to be honest so don’t hold it against them. Don’t get hung up on numbers and don’t use the information against them in arguments and disagreements.

Everyone has a past Choma and none of us are perfect. Disclosing your sexual history to your partner is a good thing, but it doesn’t mean that you should stop using condoms, especially during foreplay or oral sex. Don’t make excuses for not using condoms because it’s important to protect yourself and your partner.

Remember, if you or a friend need advice or help, you can contact me here on Ask Choma, send me a Facebook Message, a Twitter DM, or a WhatsApp Message (071 172 3657).