Choma, most of us have been in at least one bad relationship that we wished we were never a part of. But some of us have made sure to never go back to such relationships when meeting a new partner. However, fall into the trap of attracting only abusive partners over and over again and you wonder why that is. I can think of a few explanations choma. Read on.

It feels familiar

Most people tend to be products of their environment and of what they learned from the people around them while growing up. If you were raised in a hostile or violent environment or one where there was a lot of disrespect, then you are more likely going to accept this type of behavior for yourself. You might attract this sort of behaviour because that’s the kind of behaviour you know and that somehow weirdly feels normal and comforting.

Filling a void

Some people tend to either consciously or subconsciously meet and become attracted to partners who they believe will fill a void or add the missing piece to their puzzle. From injuries or injustices that we experienced as children, we carry around psychological and emotional wounds. When we meet someone whose personality or character seems to give us the ‘missing piece’, we are drawn to him and we are unable to see his/her true character.

Daddy issues

When it comes to how you view a man and the type of man you feel comfortable with, the main reference or influence is the father, or father figure. How your father, or father figure, treated you and your mother, or mother figure, will have an impact on the type of men you attract. If your mind has associated violence or abuse with love, then that is what you are more likely to attract choma.

Too emotionally dependent

If you rely on your partner to make you feel worthy or happy and don’t develop a strong sense of self-worth independent of your partner,  then you are more than likely to set yourself up for a lot of harm, hurt and heartache choma. Work on yourself first and find out what it is you enjoy and what you want, outside of your relationship. That way you will learn to develop independence and rely more on yourself to find happiness.

Once you slowly start becoming aware of and reflect on why you continuously choose the wrong partners, you slowly start accepting responsibility and stop looking at yourself as the victim. Once that happens, you become more aware of making better choices for yourself when it comes to choosing a good partner.

Choma, it’s not that you intentionally or unintentionally look for abusers, it’s that abusers search for you. They search for people they can abuse and can easily manipulate, like a thief looking for an unsuspecting victim on the streets. When looking for a partner choma, be specific about the qualities you’d like in a potential partner. Never be ashamed once you’ve realised that you are attracting only abusers, be proud that you have realised this. After a breakup, maybe it would be a good idea to not be in a relationship for a short while. Get some counselling where you can learn what to look out for. Give yourself time to learn about you and spend time doing the things that you enjoy. That way, you’ll be more prepared for a healthy relationship. Trust in yourself and remember what you want in a relationship, that way you will naturally gravitate towards those who will value you as a person.

If you are in an abusive relationship and not sure how to get out, you can contact:

Lifeline on http://lifelinesa.co.za/ or call their toll free line which is open 24 hours, 7 days a week for more information and counselling on 0800 150 150.

You can also visit POWA’s (People Opposing Women Abuse) website on http://www.powa.co.za/POWA/ and contact an office nearest to your area.