Spotting emotional abuse in a relationship

Did you know that emotional abuse is a method that people use to instil fear and control their partner? If being around a partner, friend or family member makes you feel scared, confused or unlike yourself, you may be experiencing emotional abuse. Here’s more.

What is emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse is one of the hardest forms of abuse to recognise, because it doesn’t show itself physically. It’s a way to control another person by using their emotions to criticise, embarrass, shame, blame, or otherwise manipulate them. A relationship is emotionally abusive when there’s a consistent pattern of abusive words and bullying behaviours that wear down the victim’s self-esteem, and undermine their mental health.

Emotional abuse can involve;

Verbal abuse - shouting, insulting or swearing.

Rejection - constantly rejecting your thoughts, ideas and opinions.

Gaslighting - making you doubt your own feelings, memories and thoughts.

Social abuse – attempting to harm your other relationships or reputation such as sharing photos of you without permission, gossiping about you or constantly monitoring your activities.

Put-downs - calling you names, blaming you, or publicly embarrassing you (in front of friends and family).

Causing fear - making you feel afraid, intimidated, or threatened.

Isolation - limiting your freedom of movement or stopping you from contacting other people (such as friends or family).

Financial abuse - controlling or withholding money from you.

Bullying and intimidation - purposely and repeatedly saying or doing things that are intended to hurt you.

You can learn more about how to identify emotional abuse here.

The impact of emotional abuse

Most people who are victims of emotional abuse may feel the need to hide from, or lie to family and friends, because the abuse creates emotional scars of self-doubt, worthlessness, and self-hate.

Being called names, criticised and gaslighted by your partner takes away the beauty you see in yourself, and over time you begin to agree with how the abuser sees you. For example, you could end up believing that you’ll never be good enough for anyone else, which can condition you to stay in the abusive relationship longer.

Healing from emotional abuse

Leaving an abusive relationship is challenging, but completely possible. Survivors must recognise that trying to reason with an abuser isn’t effective, and that the abuser will probably never change. The first step is to reach out to a trusted relative or friend. You may also reach out to a counsellor, or contact me if you feel more comfortable.

You can also contact The South African Depression and Anxiety Group SADAG on 0800 567 567 or People Opposing Women Abuse (POWA) on 011 642 4345/6.

Emotional abuse is never acceptable, and experiencing it is never your fault. Getting out of an abusive relationship isn’t an easy process, but it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. Staying in the relationship is far more dangerous, and can be life-threatening. Always remember that you’re worthy of love, respect and safety.

If you or a friend need advice or help, you can contact me here on Ask Choma, send a Facebook message or a Twitter DM, or a WhatsApp Message (071 172 3657).