Have you ever felt like there’s a something missing in your relationship with your parents? That no matter how to try to communicate or not communicate to keep the peace, it always ends up misunderstood by your mom, dad or guardian?

Believe or not, this is common in developing youth.

What is it about this age that makes a young person feel so emotional and misunderstood?

Remember that you’re going through a lot of changes, here are some:

• You’re building your self-identity and your guardian might not necessarily agree with who you’re developing into
• Your mental capacity is growing, which means your thinking about certain issues might start changing and you might start questioning things that you initially just did or followed
• Your emotions are affected by what you think and therefor what you’re feeling, which might make you more emotional than usual, making you seem angry, argumentative or disobedient
• Your body is developing and the changes may cause you to want more privacy for example, and if that privacy is not respected, you might be upset and seem to be unreasonable because not so long ago, you didn’t need such space…might even make it look like you’re hiding something or do not trust them
• Your social development is also a concern for guardians because you might lean towards being with your friends or other external people more often than usual, which in their perspective exposes you to wrong decision making or even danger

All these changes can be very confusing for the family, especially your parent or guardian because they still regard you as their child. Keeping up with developments is hard because they also start feeling pushed away and isolated from your space…to a point where they might feel that they are losing you.

Parents do tend to base their advise and nurturing of their children on their life experiences and it also comes from a place of fear because they are constantly trying to protect you from the world and that may seem to a young person like a violation of space or even disregard of their feelings. This ofcourse only applies to healthy parents, which means that in this example, there is no sexual or other kind of physical or mental abuse on their children.

How does a young person then improve their relationship with their parents?

• Try to improve communication by not only speaking when you’re upset but by also stating when your guardian is right and making light conversations. Don’t always communicate only when there’s serios issues to discuss. Remember that adults may find it hard having difficult conversations too.
• Ask your guardian to do activities with you, example, take a walk together; wash dishes together while talking about your day or theirs; ask to help them out with their chores and make it fun (you might know what makes them smile); watch a tv program you can both watch.
• When given instructions on chores, try to do them before the set time because this might help you to avoid making them upset when they find that the chore they’ve asked you to do hasn’t been done and you can avoid them having to remind you about it…builds trust from on their side when they see this independence
• When you feel emotional or upset, try to calm down before you speak to them, to avoid it getting out of control because they might be upset too
• Remember that some guardians have also gone through abuse or painful childhoods and never healed from it, that could also cause them to be emotionally vulnerable when dealing with you

Note that this does not in any way mean that it is your responsibility alone to make this relationship work, it takes both parties to make it work. However, it is important to remember that you have a part to play and that like any other relationship, both parties need to have mutual respect; consideration and empathy (we can only imagine what someone else is going through, even if we don’t know how difficult or easy it could be to them).

If you or a friend need advice or help, you can contact me here on Ask Choma, send me on Facebook Message,  Instagram message,  Twitter DM, or WhatsApp Message (071 172 3657)