Tag: friendships

Coping with peer pressure and bullying

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Your friends influence your life, even if you don’t realise it. Its only normal for us to learn from one another due to the amount of time we spend with friends. But what happens if that influence is unhealthy? Here’s how to cope with peer pressure and bullying.

What is peer pressure?

Peer pressure happens when a group or individual encourages others to change their attitudes, values, or behaviours to be the same as those of the influencing group or individual. This influence can be both positive and negative.

An example of a positive influence can be your friends encouraging you to attend class, and study ahead of an exam. While an example of a negative influence can be your friends encouraging you to cut class or bunk school, or smoke in the toilets when you know you’re not comfortable doing so.

What is peer pressure bullying?

Peer pressure bullying makes you feel internal pressure to do things your friends are doing. Most of the time, this pressure comes from the fear that if you don’t behave the way your friends do, then they’ll make fun of you, think you’re boring or stop being your friend.

Walking away from peer pressure bullying

It seems tough to be the only one who says “no” to peer pressure, but you can do it. Paying attention to your own feelings and beliefs about what’s right and wrong can help you know the right thing to do. Inner strength and self-confidence can help you stand firm, walk away, and resist doing something you know you’re not comfortable with. You can tell them “No” and walk away. You may also want to consider finding other friends and classmates to hang around with.

It can really help to have at least one other peer, or friend, who’s willing to say “no,” too. This takes a lot of the power out of peer pressure and makes it much easier to resist. It’s great to have friends with values like yours, who’ll back you up when you don’t want to do something.

Even if you’re faced with peer pressure when you’re alone, there are still things you can do. You can simply stay away from friends who pressure you to do stuff you know is wrong.

If you continue to face peer pressure and you’re finding it difficult to handle, talk to someone you trust. Don’t feel guilty if you’ve made a mistake or two. Talking to a parent, teacher, or a counsellor can help you feel much better and prepare you for the next time you face peer pressure. You can also chat with me. Remember that a good friend will never pressure you to do something you’re not comfortable with.

If you or a friend need advice or help, you can contact me here on Ask Choma, send me a Facebook Message, a Twitter DM, or a WhatsApp Message (071 172 3657).

Here’s how you can rebuild a broken friendship

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A fall out with your friend can be really difficult to deal with and bounce back from. While some friendship breakups are beyond repair, some friendships are worth giving them another shot. If you’re looking to rebuild a broken friendship, here are a few things to consider.

Is it worth rebuilding?

Take time to really think about the friendship you had – was it healthy or toxic? A healthy relationship, where your friend understood your values and respected them is worth giving another shot. On the other hand, it may be a good thing to break away from a friendship where you always felt your beliefs and values were compromised.

Reach out

Once you’ve decided that the friendship is worth rebuilding, consider reaching out to your friend. Think about what you want to say and why – this will help you be sincere and will let your friend know that you want to fix things. Keep in mind that reaching out doesn’t necessarily mean that your friend will respond. So, don’t take it too hard if they take their time or don’t respond at all. Remember, they also have a right to choose whether it’s worth responding to – even if they were the cause of the fall out.

Address the issue

If at this point your friend has agreed to be in contact with you and maybe even meet up, I encourage you to address the reason for the breakup. Remember, avoiding the issue for the sake of keeping the peace will only cause another fall out. Share your feelings about the breakup, how it affected you, why it means so much to you, as well why you want to rebuild the friendship. Listen to your friend’s concerns, too. This way, everyone gets heard and the real issue can be resolved.

Set the tone of the friendship

Healthy friendships are built on shared values and principles. This doesn’t mean that you should have identical likes and dislikes, though. What’s important is that you and your friend discuss values that will guide your friendship and also set out boundaries that shouldn’t be overstepped. This way, everyone is accountable and responsible for the rebuilding of the friendship.

Losing a good friend isn’t easy and giving up on a good friendship can be even harder. It’s okay to want to rebuild your friendship. Just remember that reuniting with your friend shouldn’t come at the cost of what’s really important to you. They must also be committed to making things work.

Remember if you or a friend need advice or help, you can contact me here on Ask Choma, send me a Facebook Message, a Twitter DM, or a WhatsApp Message (071 172 3657).

5 things to never say to a depressed friend

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Supporting a friend with depression shows that you care for them, but unintentionally saying the wrong things can trigger your friend or make them feel worse. While there’s really no right or wrong way to be supportive (you just have to let your friend know you’re here for them), there are a few things that you can avoid saying altogether. Here are 5.

“Stop being sad”

Depression is a mental illness that can be triggered by a lot of factors. This means that someone suffering from this illness can’t really control the feelings of sadness and hopelessness that it brings on, so telling them to stop being sad is very insensitive.

Allow your friend to express themselves and let them know that their feelings are valid and that there is professional help available for them, should they want to reach out.

“Be more positive”

While thinking positive thoughts can help someone feel better, it doesn’t help someone who suffers from depression. In fact, this can make them feel even more disheartened and frustrated with themselves and their condition.

Rather ask your friend if there’s anything you can do to help them and educate yourself on the condition so that you can offer proper support.

“You don’t look depressed”

When a friend tells you about their depression, try not to say that they don’t look or act depressed. There are already so many misconceptions about depression, and your friend doesn’t need to be pressured to play a certain role in order to validate their condition in other people’s eyes.

Remember, disclosing about a mental illness is a huge step for many and it’s important for us to offer an ear, be kind and steer loved ones towards places where they can get help before we make our own judgements.

“Some people have it worse than you”

While there are people in the world living through some dire circumstances, it’s not our place to point this out or make someone feel guilty for experiencing depression. It doesn’t matter how ‘easy’ you think your friend’s life is, if they are struggling with a mental illness, then they need help, support and reassurance that they are not alone.

“You’re imagining things”

Telling someone that it’s all in their head and they can get over it can only make them feel worse about their condition and isolate them further. Try listening to your friend and getting more information on the subject if you don’t understand it.

The most important thing you can do for a friend who is struggling with depression is to be supportive and offering an ear without judgement. Let them take the lead when they’re around you and allow yourself to be their safe space. It’s important to remember that depression can be treated and if you are not a mental health practitioner, you will need to advise them to either see a doctor or contact SADAG for help with their condition.

Remember if you or a friend need advice or help, you can contact me here on Ask Choma, send me a Facebook Message, a Twitter DM, or a WhatsApp Message (071 172 3657).

Are you afraid of being single?

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Relationships are beautiful and can offer genuine love, support, and a place of safety. However, relationships should not be something that we hide behind because we’re afraid of being alone. When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, it can be a bit scary to think about leaving, but if the relationship is no longer good for you, then the best thing to do is to consider walking away and embrace being single. Do you think you may be scared of being alone? Here’s help.

Are you always in a relationship?

If you find yourself going from one relationship to the next, you might be afraid of being single. When a relationship ends, the best way to heal is to give yourself time to process everything that’s happened before you move on.  Moving on too quickly can be harmful not just to you, but to your new partner as well, since you may still have unprocessed feelings and issues from your previous relationship.

Settling for less

Sometimes, when we don’t know our worth, we settle for relationships that aren’t necessarily good for us because it feels safer than being alone. When you settle for a relationship, you may find yourself being with someone whose beliefs and values you don’t agree with and constantly feeling like you need to change yourself to make the relationship work. It’s a lot healthier to stay single until you find someone who doesn’t make you feel as though you have to compromise yourself.

Staying in toxic relationships

If the relationship is clearly not healthy, for example, if you are being abused or cheated on, then you might want to consider what your reasons for staying in the relationship could be. A toxic relationship does more harm than good in the end, since it can have negative effects on your self-esteem and your future. That’s why it’s important to know when you can no longer work on a relationship and choose to work on your happiness instead. Remember, you can be happy on your own – you don’t need a partner to feel fulfilled.

Compromising your health and safety

If you find yourself doing things that are not healthy or safe for you because you fear that your partner might leave you (like having sex when you’re not ready), then you should definitely rethink your relationship. Healthy relationships don’t demand you to compromise your safety, health and happiness to make the other party happy. So, if this is your situation, then it might be time to walk away and spend some time alone.

Here’s how to get over the fear of being single:

Find out why you might be afraid of being single – Look back and find the reason why you’re afraid of being single. Some people are afraid of being single because of childhood trauma, some because they have lost a loved one, while some people may be experiencing peer pressure. Finding the cause can help you start working towards letting the fear go and finally being able to be single and happy.

Work on self-love – Prioritise loving yourself because it’ll help you know when to walk away from relationships that are not good for you and be more selective with the people you allow into your life. Self-love helps us define our needs, wants, and boundaries and refuse to settle for someone who gives us less than what we know we deserve. You’ll be able to stay single until you find someone who respects, loves and appreciates you.

Cultivate fulfilling friendships – Focus on building healthy, fulfilling relationships with your friends or close family members. Having people who love us doesn’t just remind us that we matter, but it also means we have a good support system outside of our romantic relationships. Relying on one person (your partner) for everything can lead to a lot of resentment and disappointment, which is why we need to work on building strong relationships with friends and family. Remember to invest in these relationships not only when you’re single, but when you’re in a relationship too.

Being single allows you to spend some time getting to know and love yourself more. Remember, the most important relationship you will ever have, is the one with yourself. So, it’s important to nurture it by knowing when to walk away from toxic situations and investing time in yourself.

Remember if you or a friend need advice or help, you can contact me here on Ask Choma, send me a Facebook Message, a Twitter DM, or a WhatsApp Message (071 172 3657).

Choma loves: 4 TV shows that show healthy female relationships

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There are too many myths about female friendships that support the idea that female friends aren’t real. This is partly because of movies and tv shows that promote the idea that boys can build strong and supportive friendships, while girls can’t. In fact, most people believe that female friendships are built on gossip, jealousy and frequent arguments about boys.

However, this is not the case. Women are just as capable of building healthy, supportive friendships. Here are some of my favourite shows that manage to capture this.

Sister, Sister

Most of our first friendship experiences begin with our siblings. Sisters and girl cousins help us define what friendships with other girls can look and feel like. Tia and Tamera from Sister Sister, show us that sisters can be best friends. They also show us that friendships with this kind of a bond can be protective, empowering and fun. In fact, Tia and Tamera were twins born from different fathers (in the sitcom) and although they looked identical, they support each other’s interests and celebrate each other’s unique traits.

Booksmart

This movie is about two best friends who shared their high school experiences with each other. These two driven high school learners show us that girls can encourage and support each other to be the best version of themselves by meeting their educational goals and still being there to enjoy the fun times together. There’s no space for jealousy in this friendship.

Girlfriends

While they’re a bit older, the four beautiful, strong women on this show take you through their career, family and friendship journeys. They show us that as you grow up, your interests change and you and your friends may take on different career paths but doesn’t mean that female friendships can’t last right through to adulthood. They’re also able to speak through their differences and stay friends despite the different paths their lives take.

One on One

Breanna and Spirit from the old sitcom, One on One, are a really cool example of two high school friends who go through problems typically experienced by teenagers but stick it out by supporting each other when it matters the most. They never let boys come between their friendship and they also help each other make informed and responsible decisions when it comes to sex.

Let’s be honest Choma, everyone needs these kinds of female friendships in their life. While these are examples of healthy female friendships based on TV shows, it doesn’t mean that you can’t learn a thing or two about building and maintaining positive female friendships in real life.

Remember if you or a friend need advice or help, you can contact me here on Ask Choma, send me a Facebook Message, a Twitter DM, or a WhatsApp Message (071 172 3657).

Healing from friendship breakups

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We often think that our friends will be around to support and create memories with us forever. However, some friendships do end and this can leave you feeling devastated and let down. How can you deal with losing a friend? Here’s help.

It’s okay to feel sad

Allow yourself to mourn the loss of your friendship. Whether it was a big fight or a gradual drift between you and your friend, it’s okay to feel sad or even angry about it. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to go through all the different emotions so that you can heal.

Let them know how they made you feel

If there’s an opportunity to mend or talk things over with your friend, make sure that you let them know how the breakup affected you. Be open to hearing how it affected them too. Communicating your feelings to your friend and allowing them to do the same will help you both work through your feelings.

Find an emotional outlet

If you’re unable to speak to your friend about your feelings, then it’s a good idea to find a way to express yourself and release the pent-up anger, sadness or resentment. You can do this by writing a letter to your friend, in which you express how the entire situation made you feel. Be honest and sincere about your feelings and thoughts. You have the choice to either keep the letter or send it to your friend or someone else that you trust.

Find other interests

Find something new and fun to do, like taking up a new hobby, doing some exercise or getting involved in a community project. This can be very therapeutic and help you focus on something other than your friendship breakup.

Get support

The loss of a good friendship can leave you feeling lonely and sad. It’s important to find someone you can talk to about these feelings. Remember that while you don’t have contact with your friend anymore, it doesn’t mean that you can’t lean on other people for support. You can also reach out to me for advice and a shoulder to cry on.

When friendships end it’s not easy to just forget about them and move on and while there’s a lot of advice on dealing with romantic breakups, we don’t often focus on the pain that comes with losing a friend. Feeling disappointed, sad and lonely after losing a friend is valid and it’s important to allow yourself time to heal and move on. Remember that there’s always opportunity to make new and fulfilling friendships.

If you or a friend need advice or help, you can contact me here on Ask Choma, send me a Facebook Message, a Twitter DM, or a WhatsApp Message (071 172 3657).

How to handle peer pressure like a pro

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Peer pressure doesn’t just stop in high school; it can carry on into your adult years at your place of work or within your friend group. That’s why I think it’s important to learn how to handle it, so that you’re able to stand your ground, even as an adult. Here are my top tips.

What is peer pressure?

Peer pressure is the influence to do something because all your friends are doing it. It happens because we all want to fit in and be liked, so we may find ourselves acting differently to get our friends’ approval.

Be aware of your feelings

Pay attention to how you feel when you’re around your friends and how their behaviour makes you feel. If they make you feel like you have to compromise on your values, beliefs and interests, then you need to reconsider your friendship. Healthy friendships don’t make you feel like you need to change who you are to fit in. 

Practice saying no

Saying no can be difficult since you never know how a person will react. So, it’s important to get used to the idea of saying no and not always needing to explain yourself. You can do this by saying it more often in easier situations, like saying no to a requested time to meet and suggest another time. Make a habit of having an opinion and sharing it, you don’t have to agree with everything people say.

Choose friends with similar values

Hang out with people who share the same interests and values as you to avoid constantly having to explain yourself. For example, if you don’t drink, try to avoid being friends with people who are heavy drinkers. Your friends play a huge role in your life, so it’s important to surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you.

Be clear on your boundaries

Be clear about what you’re willing to do and what you definitely won’t do. It’s important to set clear boundaries with friends, colleagues and partners from the very beginning and if these boundaries are crossed, talk to them about it. We develop better relationships when we are truthful about our feelings and have mutual respect for boundaries.

Peer pressure doesn’t always have to be negative. Some friends can inspire you to want to do better at school or work – this is positive peer pressure. You’ll know the difference by paying attention to how you feel in a situation. Being your own person can be hard, but if you use the tips I’ve given you, it will get easier with time.

If you or a friend need advice or help, you can contact me here on Ask Choma, send me a Facebook Message, a Twitter DM, or a WhatsApp Message (071 172 3657)

How to end toxic friendships

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While developing and maintaining friendships can be challenging, they can be rewarding when you share similar values and experiences with your friends. However, there are some friends who aren’t meant to stay in your circle. Especially if you don’t feel happy around them. Could it be time for you to unfriend some people? Here’s my advice.

What is a toxic friend?

A toxic friendship will mostly likely bring out the worst parts of you instead of the best. Your decisions may be influenced by them. For instance, feeling pressured to take drugs or drink alcohol. Another example of toxic behaviour’s talking about having more than one sexual partner as though there is nothing wrong with it. We both know that it’s really not a good idea because it makes you more likely to contract sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and HIV. So, pay close attention to what your friends are saying and doing, and think about whether this is positive or toxic.

How to let go of toxic friends

Recognise that it’s toxic: It’s important to be honest with yourself about the friendship. Once you’ve recognised that it’s unhealthy and toxic, it’ll be easier for you to end it because you’re clear about why it’s not working for you.

Forgive yourself: To be honest, toxic friends are hard to identify early on in the friendship. This is because they tend to manipulate you into thinking that they’re good people so that they can gain your trust. When the pretence soon wears off, you start to feel used and uncomfortable. Although there may be times when you beat yourself up for not recognising their toxic qualities, you need to remember that it’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong. 

Let them know: Some toxic friendships need to be formally broken off. Take time to think about what you want to say to them. Make sure that you explain how their behaviour affects you and why the relationship needs to end. Feel free to explain why you’re not interested in mending the friendship and don’t let any manipulation make you change your mind.

Limit contact: Once you’ve decided to end the friendship, slowly detach emotionally to limit their ability to manipulate you. It’s also okay to unfollow or unfriend them on your social media platforms. When you limit communication, it’ll help you focus on your needs and wants.

Invest in healthy friendships: It’s important that you also recognise friendships that bring out the best in you and spend more time with those friends. You deserve to be with people who are supportive and who want the best for you.

Your peace of mind’s really important, Choma. Your friendships should feel supportive, safe and fun. Don’t be afraid to unfriend someone, especially if you’re always feeling uncomfortable around them.

Remember if you or a friend need advice or help, you can contact me here on Ask Choma, send me a Facebook Message, a Twitter DM, or a WhatsApp Message (071 172 3657).

What it means to have a supportive sisterhood

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A sisterhood is basically a group of like-minded girls (women), who share similar experiences and concerns. Sisterhood isn’t limited to blood relatives, which means that you and your friends can cultivate a strong bond and support system as well. But what does a supportive sisterhood look like? Read this to learn more.

You feel empowered

A supportive sisterhood is one that empowers you. In other words, your friends should be able to encourage you to follow your dreams and work hard. Your sisterhood will challenge you to do better, but will never compete with you. They want you to be the best version of you!

You feel worthy

Your sisterhood will never allow you to talk negatively about yourself or let you believe that you’re not good enough. Instead, they’ll encourage you to accept your weaknesses while reminding you of your strengths and helping you celebrate them.

There for you in times of need

Whenever you feel vulnerable and in need of emotional support, your sisterhood will show you compassion and empathy. They won’t judge you but they’ll offer you a shoulder to cry on as well as honest advice whenever you need it.

You feel safe and secure

Your sisterhood should always have your back. This means that you can talk about your concerns and problems and feel safe doing so. You’ll feel pretty confident that your secrets won’t be spilled. Remember that someone who discusses your issues with other people isn’t your friend, Choma.

Your good friends will be able to tell you when you or they are wrong and apologise if they’ve hurt you. Good friends won’t try to bully you into doing something you don’t want to do or something that could harm you. They won’t try pressure you into having sex before you’re ready, or drink alcohol or take drugs. Good friends always want what’s best for you.

Sisterhood is fun

In a supportive sisterhood, there’s a time be serious but there’s also a time to let your hair down and have a good time. You should be able to joke around, have a good laugh and have safe fun.

We all need a supportive sisterhood in our lives, but it’s important to remember that supportive and meaningful relationships take time to build. Also keep in mind that you need to practice being a supportive friend to your sisterhood too, by making use of the qualities I mentioned above.

Remember if you or a friend need advice or help, you can contact me here on Ask Choma, send me a Facebook Message, a Twitter DM, or a WhatsApp Message (071 172 3657).

5 ways to practise kindness in your life

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Kindness is described as the ability to be friendly, generous and considerate towards others. But In a world that promotes selfish behaviour it can be pretty hard to show kindness for the fear of being called weak or naive. Truth is, it takes strength and courage to live your life with kindness as your companion. Here are cool ways to live out your kindness.

Tell your family and friends that you love them

It’s really easy to take your loved ones for granted but that should not be the case. Most people want to hear the words, “I love you”, “I am here for you” and “I care for you,” and it’s important to say this to your loved ones as often as possible. Although it may be hard at times, you should not let things like conflict and disagreements get in the way of you reminding them that you love and care for them.

Stand up for others and yourself

When you stand up against gossip or ill-treatment of others or yourself, you are practising kindness. This shows people how they should treat you and those you care about. Another act of kindness is not allowing your friends to bully or say mean things about other people – don’t leave space for rumours and unkind words to be exchanged in your presence.

Volunteer your time

 Kindness is free and selfless. So spending a portion of your time offering your skills to people who need it, is an awesome way to show your kindness. Look for a charity organisation in your community where you can lend a hand by helping with the gardening, donating old clothes or assisting at a soup kitchen. Helping others doesn’t just make the world a better place, it will also make you feel really good about yourself.

Compliment others

Paying someone a compliment can actually make a huge difference in their day. When you acknowledge your friends’ efforts, or say something good about their appearance, you’re lifting their mood and giving them a confidence boost. Just make sure your compliments are true and encouraging, and that you’re not just doing it because you expect something in return.

Offer a listening ear

Listen to your loved ones as well as anyone who trusts you enough to share their concerns or worries with you. Giving someone a non-judgmental shoulder to cry on is great act of kindness. It’s also good to remind your friends that you’re here for them if they ever need someone to talk to, and if their problem seems too big to handle – you can always tell them to talk to me.

While kindness may not be the most talked about interpersonal skill, it sure is a rare and valuable quality to have. Don’t be discouraged by people who think something is wrong with you just because you choose to be kind. Feel free to live out your kindness. Who knows? Your friends might just be inspired to do the same!

Remember if you or a friend need advice or help, you can contact me here on Ask Choma, send me a Facebook Message, a Twitter DM, or a WhatsApp Message (071 172 3657).