Healthy relationships provide a balance of power, where both partners are able to contribute differently and equally. However, in some relationships, there’s an imbalance of power, where one person is not given the opportunity to contribute equally to even the most important decisions affecting the relationship. If you find yourself feeling powerless in your relationship, here’s how you can reclaim your power.

Be honest with yourself

It’s really important to do an audit on your relationships. This doesn’t mean being very critical towards your partner, but simply reflecting on the relationship from the beginning until now. Think about the decisions that really matter and who tends to make them. If you don’t contribute to any decision making in your relationships, ask yourself why this happens and how it makes you feel.

A lot of the time women can find themselves leaving important decisions up to their partners because their partners are the ones who take care of them financially. Not being able to contribute financially can put you at an imbalance with your partner and lead to a very unhealthy dynamic. That’s why I always emphasise the importance of women being financially independent so that they don’t have to rely on other people for money.

Define your personal boundaries

Once you’ve audited your relationship, it’s important to think about which boundaries have been crossed and how that has made you feel. For instance, if you feel like your partner doesn’t take your values or concerns seriously, or if they disrespect your need for space, then you might want to make a note of this so that you can change it. You can write down your boundaries and needs so that you’re clear on them first.

Communicate your boundaries and concerns

When you’ve clearly defined your personal boundaries, you’ll need to communicate them to your partner. Have a conversation with them where you express your concerns and negotiate new relationship boundaries that also include your personal ones. Feel free to stress why these values and principles should be respected and indicate what would happen when they’re not.

Another important thing to note is that you have to stick to your word once you’ve communicated your boundaries. If your partner disrespects or disregards a boundary, it’s important to do exactly what you told them you would do – whether it’s leaving the relationship or enforcing some kind of space. We teach people how we want to be treated, so it’s imperative that we don’t allow ourselves to be disrespected. 

Invest in yourself

The most valuable relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself, Choma. That’s why you’ve got to invest time, effort and energy into your own well-being, goals and health, before trying to please someone else. Investing in yourself means putting your studies, work, dreams and happiness before any relationship. Take time to understand who you are and what your dreams are before trying to put effort into your partner or the relationship. It’s not selfishness, it’s self-love. 

Know when to let go

Sometimes we work hard to make relationships work when they actually aren’t meant to work out. If you have spoken to your partner and taken the steps above to try and reclaim your power, but your partner isn’t willing to respect your needs, then it may be time to consider if staying in the relationship is worth it. Letting go of a relationship doesn’t mean that you’ve failed. It just means that you love yourself enough to let go of things that don’t bring you happiness.

Relationships aren’t easy. They require work and effort. Healthy relationships challenge you to grow and become the best version of yourself. If you’re in a relationship where you feel disempowered and disrespected, then it’s a clear sign that change needs to happen for you to take back your power and be whole and happy.

Remember if you or a friend need advice or help, you can contact me here on Ask Choma, send me a Facebook Message, a Twitter DM, or a WhatsApp Message (071 172 3657).