Transactional sex is a relationship/partnership where there is an exchange of gifts or money for sex.

Transactional sex usually involves an ongoing relationship between two people. The best examples would be where someone in a relationship refuses to have sex until they get what they want (money or something material) OR where someone offers to give the other person gifts or money provided the relationship involves sex, often on their terms.

Power Dynamics

A lot of the times this type of relationship involves a younger woman (receiving the gifts and/or money) and a much older man, aka a ‘sugar daddy’ (giving out the money).

There could be many reasons why these types of relationships exist chomas. A guy might feel like he has to give his girlfriend money either because he is the ‘man’ in the relationship or because he knows that if he doesn’t give her money he will not get sex in return. Have you heard of girlfriend allowance? It’s when a guy gives his girlfriend money simply for being his girlfriend, and because the agreement usually involves the fact that sex is guaranteed.

Sometimes this type of relationship (especially in the case of sugar daddies) exists because a girl needs/wants money from a man. She could need it because she doesn’t have any and is desperate or doesn’t have money to live the kind of life she wants. The person giving the money (like the Sugar Daddy) knows this, and often takes advantage of this fact. This is why he might hold the most power in the relationship, treating his girlfriend badly and making her feel like he ‘owns’ her because of everything he has and can give her.

This sort of power dynamic might have bad results due to making unfavourable decisions. For example, the more powerful person might decide to no longer have safe sex. Once there is no longer safe sex, both people are at a higher risk of contracting HIV and sexually transmitted illnesses (STIs) or have unplanned pregnancies.

People in relationships where transactional sex takes place, might have a big age gap. It is normally the woman who is younger. This puts her at a higher risk of being infected because older men have a higher HIV infection rate than young boys.

Can you get out?

If the only things you are gaining from this ‘relationship’ are phones and money at the expense of your body and ultimately your self-worth and self-esteem, then it is probably best to reconsider this relationship. You have to sit down and confront the reasons behind this ‘relationship’.

If you have friends or family, speak to them and find out if there is any way they can assist in helping you get out of the relationship. If you are worried about being judged by people you know, there are centres which can assist in getting your life back by leaving the relationship. Don’t forget chomas that you can also speak to me via Ask Choma!

You are special and you deserve someone who will love you for who you are.