Relationships are not easy and they require a lot of work where possible. However, ‘a lot of work’ when it comes to relationships usually means: learning to compromise, learning to communicate, making a conscious effort to let go of bad habits that affect the relationship and other healthy stuff. ‘Work’ in a relationship doesn’t mean working hard to maintain or mend a relationship that keeps falling apart.  Being in an ‘on-again/off-again relationship’ can actually be really unhealthy. Here’s why: 

It’s toxic

Most of the time, when you’ve been in a long-term relationship, it’s normal to see the best in your partner, even though they’re not good to you. But, that could be a sign of being dependent and addicted to a toxic relationship.

The more you go back and forth, on and off as a couple, the more your relationship will deteriorate – involving more negative interactions and less commitment.

It’s emotionally draining  

When you constantly spend your time and energy trying to mend a broken relationship, it doesn’t mean that it’s true love or that it will make your partner any better. Giving the relationship a chance and then breaking up all over again will just leave you feeling more – doubt and uncertainty each time, which is not healthy at all. Putting your energy into a relationship that doesn’t seem to work can be emotionally draining and doesn’t give you the opportunity to enjoy the healthy, fulfilling relationship you deserve.  

Risk of getting an STI

What happens every time you and your partner are broken up? Do you see other people in-between? There is no guarantee that your partner, if they are seeing others, is having safe sex. Your partner doesn’t have any guarantee that you’re having safe sex with others either. This increases both your chances of contracting a sexually transmitted infection every time you get back together.  

If you find yourself in this situation then maybe it’s time to have an honest conversation with yourself and ask yourself why the relationship fell apart in the first place. Let’s be honest Choma, a healthy relationship doesn’t involve people breaking up over and over again. If you and your partner have broken up too many times already – maybe this relationship is not really for you.  

I understand that you’re afraid of going through the process of starting over by getting to know someone new. I also know that it can be hard letting go of someone you love and care about, even if you know that doing so will be good for your overall wellbeing. But your relationship shouldn’t be measured by time, familiarity, the fear of being alone and the hardships that you’ve been through with your partner. Your relationship should be measured by how healthy, sane and fulfilled it makes you feel.

A healthy relationship should be able to empower you, make you feel like you and your partner are equal and you should never lose your individuality for the sake of keeping the spark alive.

As much as the truth is a hard pill to swallow, you might have to consider that you and your partner are not meant to be together and always remember to put yourself first because you deserve better, and there’s always someone out there that is meant for you.

Remember, if you or a friend need advice or help, you can contact me here on Ask Choma, send me a Facebook Message, a Twitter DM, or a WhatsApp Message (071 172 3657).